A Little Humor - A Lotta Help

For all you dedicated souls who resolved to get organized and keep a tighter ship (cleaner house, neater car and all that rot) here are some great tips and a bit o' humor to help you take it easy on yourself when you realize you haven't lived up to your best intentions. I've mixed the funnies in with the helpful hints so you can clear your head with a laugh and not get too bogged down with all the efficiency in the home stuff.

Signs Of a Happy Kitchen

You have all seen those little hand painted signs hung in so many kitchens. Many are heartwarming and homey, but many are simply hilarious. Here is a collection of the funnier ones:

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Housework done properly can kill you.

Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house when I bought it.

There are only three kinds of food - Frozen, Canned, & Take-out!

Great Tips & Hints
From The Dingmans, Viola Gilbert & Edie Smith

1--Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips

2--Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle- perfect shaped pancakes every time.

3---To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

4---To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.

5---Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan-the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.

6---To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

7---To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top-skillet will be much easier to clean now.

8---Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces-no more stains.

9---When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead- no white mess on the outside of the cake.

10---If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato- it absorbs the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".

11---Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator-it will keep for weeks.

12---Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

13---Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it back up.

14---When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corns natural sweetness.

15---To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh- if it rises to the surface,throw it away.

16---Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

17---Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

18---If you have problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

19---Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

20---To get rid of itch from mosquito bite, try applying soap on the area. Instant relief.

21---Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.

22---Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

23---When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.

24---Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes,brush, and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka-Seltzer tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.

Quick Cleaning Tips for the CyberMom
Submitted by Carol Skipper of Apron Strings
(Carol's whacko comments in RED)

Learn to top clean. Put the breakfast dishes in the sink with hot water and detergent to soak. Next make the beds, pick up papers and empty ash trays into a large bag that you should always carry with you. Next do use toilet tissue with rubbing alcohol and wipe the bathroom fixtures. Use a carpet sweeper and hit the middle of the floor, take a feather duster to the coffee table and end tables, then go back and do the dishes. Next have a cup of coffee and go get on the Internet.
You can tell this chick is hooked on da net..

For women who hate housework the following items are a must. Feather duster, carpet sweeper, a chamois (to wipe mirrors and glass), dusting rag (an old wash cloth works well), oiled rag, and a paper sack. When you use your dust cloth sprinkle a few drops of water on it. This allows you to dust twice as fast and it also removes spots.

Bedroom and Living Room
Always start cleaning high and work your way down.
Does this mean I must smoke something first? (To get high...?)

Clean cobwebs with an upward motion to lift them off. Downward motions tend to splatter them against the walls.
Yeah, and ain't nuttin worse than cobweb guts..

An easy way to clean the ceiling fan is to cover your hands in a pair of old socks. Dip them in warm sudsy water and run your hand over top and bottom of each blade. Next time you clean the blades to your ceiling fan apply a thin coat of floor wax to them. It will keep future dust from clinging to them.

Wipe mini blinds with a damp fabric softener sheet to eliminate static that collects dust.

Use a blow dryer on low to clean pleated lampshades.
And use lotsa mousse!!

Pet hair will come off your furniture easily with a roller lint brush.

Make your own furniture polish by mixing one teaspoon lemon oil with two cups mineral oil.

Water rings may be removed by rubbing petroleum jelly thoroughly into the spot.

Polish ashtrays with furniture polish before using and they will wipe clean easily.

Bathrooms:
To remove rust stains from sinks and tubs pour a few drops of hydrogen peroxide on the stain and sprinkle with cream of tartar. Let sit for half an hour then wipe off and rinse well.

Drop a denture cleaning tablet into toilet for a fast cleanup.
If you want to kill two birds with one stone, put your teeth in there too!!

Wipe bathroom fixtures with a little rubbing alcohol for a quick shine.

Safely and easily unclog a hair filled drain without harmful chemicals. Make a solution of equal parts of vinegar, salt, and baking soda. Pour down the clogged drain, let it foam for 15 minutes, then flush with boiling water.

Hair spray buildup can be removed from a mirror by wiping the mirror with a crumpled up newspaper.

To keep mirrors clean dampen a soft rag with rubbing alcohol and wipe over the entire surface.

Keep tile and fiberglass shower walls clean. After washing well apply a thin
coat of car wax and buff well. This will prevent most soap build up and the little that does wipes off easily.

Kitchens:
If you drop an egg on the floor, cover it with salt, wait 5 minutes or so and it will easily sweep up.
Have a hot frying pan waitin, and that thang oughta be good 'n seasoned! Go head and scramble it!!

Run a piece of bread through the meat grinder for easy clean up.

Coffee and tea stains can easily be removed by making a paste of baking soda and water, and rubbing on the stain.
To keep your kitchen smelling good dampen a couple of cotton balls with vanilla and place around the kitchen.

Burnt pans are a breeze to clean. Coat the bottom of pan with baking soda and add enough water to cover. Let stand for 3 hours, then gently scrape out the burnt food with a plastic spatula.

Add a few tablespoons of vinegar to dishwater to cut grease and leave your glasses sparkling.

To remove hard water stains from your dish drainer, pour 1 cup vinegar over it and let stand overnight. In the morning wipe it off with a wet sponge.

Wash and dry your stainless steel sink then polish with a few drops of baby oil and buff until shiny. Will help prevent water spots.

For a shiny finish on no wax floors, add one quarter cup of a presoak laundry powder to soapy water and then mop.

A cup of vinegar in your mop water will give your floor a shine.

Deodorize your garbage disposal with leftover orange and lemon peels.

Pouring baking soda down the drain weekly will keep the pipes clean and sweet smelling.

Laundry
If today is your washday, lets make that chore fun! This is not an approved method written by any authority. This is my own method, some have tried and found it the lazy woman's way to beautiful laundry. Gather all the white clothes that you wash in hot water. Put soap and bleach in washer, let run for about two minutes to make sure soap and clothes or well mixed. Now run in and connect to the Internet. Check her out! She's rearranging everything to scope out some puter time! (Don't we all??) Turn the machine off and let stand for 10 minutes, any longer and the dirt will start clinging to the fibers again. Just enough time to run in and check your e-mail.*GRIN* Now go back and start the washer again, let it run through entire cycle. This should give you enough time to grab a cup of coffee and surf for a wee bit. See isn't doing the laundry much more fun.

Laundry Tips
Train every one in the household to empty all pockets, Oh, I already did that.. S'why there's stuff all over the place! and turn the garments the way they should be washed. I wash all jeans inside out to prevent fading. I turn all printed T-shirts inside out. But..but, then you can't read em!!

Have a different colored small basket for each family member. When you fold the clothes just put into their basket so they can put their own laundry away.

Use a laundry marker and place each child's name on the inside pocket. That way you can easily tell who the jeans belong to.

Try cutting down on the amount of soap you are using as this can make your clothes dingy. Use half the amount of soap and feel the water if it feels silky you have enough soap.

Never overload your washer, as clothes cannot swish around properly if there are too many of them in the washer.

Improper rinsing is the main cause of gray and yellow clothes. Rinse them a second time adding a cup of vinegar to the water to remove all soap film.

Keep a small spray bottle filled with vinegar in the laundry room to treat perspiration odors before washing.

Double duty from fabric softener sheets. Use them in the dryer and then throw in the next load of wash in the washing machine.

Sheet strategies, choose different color sheets for each bed. You will always know which sheets go where.

Keep a plastic mesh pot scrubber near the dryer. One quick swipe with the scrubber and the lint basket is clean.

Adding a tablespoon of Epsom salt to each gallon of rinse water helps keep colors from fading or running.

If you accidentally shrunk a wool item, wash it in a mixture of hair conditioner and water. Gently reshape and let air dry laying flat.

Shopping
I haven't quite figured out how do this one and stay on the Internet yet. But I'm working on it. Can you tell by now I'm just a little bit addicted to this new found place called Cyber Space.

Grocery Shopping Tips
List the items you need in the order you will find them in the store. Saves a lot of foot steps.

Arrange coupons by aisles in the supermarket and save time.

Clip shopping list to the cart with a clothes pin, so you can find it easily.

Instead of using a calculator, just round off each item to the nearest dollar. Put a mark on your grocery list for each dollar. You will come with in a dollar or two of your total bill.

When unpacking groceries, put all refrigerated item together next to the fridge. Saves steps and you only have to open the fridge once.

Never go to the store when your hungry.

Shop alone if possible.
Brang all yer neighbors! It's more fun that way!!

Don't buy items just because they are on sale, you may never use them.
So...I should wait til it's all priced like, really high??

Try to plan meals for the entire week and shop only once.

Recently I have had several people email me about shopping online. I have never tried it yet (smile) but they swear by it.

General Tips to Make Things Cleaner
Clean silk flowers by putting in a bag with some salt and shake. The dust will stick to the salt.

Another method is to use your blow dryer on low setting and blow the dust off. This one is good for delicate flower arrangements.

Brushes and combs may be cleaned by putting a couple of tablespoons baking soda and bleach to a sink full of warm water. Leave them soak for 5 minutes, then rinse and let dry.

Clean your candles by using a cotton ball dipped in rubbing alcohol.

To remove candle wax, place in the freezer for a few hours a the wax will peel off.
Just don't drop em on yer no-wax floors. It'll ruin em!!

To clean your computer keyboard. Turn it upside down and gently pat the back to dislodge any dust then wipe with a dry clean lint free cloth.
Sounds like the heimlech manuever.. Man, she IS personal wif her puter.. I like her!

Use an art gum eraser to clean smoked stained areas on your fireplace.

Clean old photos by gently rubbing with a piece of bread
And don't throw the bread out when you're finished. Throw that sucker in the toaster to go with them eggs!

Clean the telephone with cotton balls dipped in rubbing alcohol.

Helpful Hints Visitors Have Shared with Me
Sent by Brenda:
TOOTHPASTE works well for the water ring stains on coffee tables. Most vacuum cleaners have hose attachments nowadays. I use that baby to dust EVERYTHING from the window blinds to the ceiling fans, to the knickknacks on the shelves (and of course the shelves themselves). Hmm... I never thought about using Noah (my youngest) for those things.. Think it'll work?? I even use it in the kitchen when the fire wells on the stove get flour or crumbs spilled in them and they are so hard to wipe out and not drop what you are trying to wipe upwards, I just vacuum it with the vacuum hose (OK, so I am REEAALLY being lazy there, but hey, it works and takes almost no time at all :) )

Sent by Twyla:
You can do your grocery shopping online and have the groceries delivered to your door if there is a Kroger (Shopper's Express) or Tom Thumb (PeaPod) in your area. They'll even let you use your coupons. I did it after the birth of my soon to be 16-month old and just LOVED it. The cost for delivery was $10 but they gave me a coupon for free delivery the next time. Wow, I didn't know we could get discounts on em too!! Boy, have I been in the dark!! Free delivery??? Get outta town! They even give you a space to type in how you want your produce or fruit picked!!
Just rip mine sideways til the lil twig twists off.. It tastes better that way..

Sent by Tyra:
1. To keep your bathroom mirrors from fogging up, apply a small amount of liquid soap to a dry washcloth and wipe over mirror. Take another washcloth and rub till no more soap is on the mirror. My husband loves this since he shaves after getting out of the shower.

2. If wax is dripped on carpet, clothing, etc..take a few paper towels and place over wax. Use an iron on low heat and gently rub over paper towels for a few seconds. The paper towels will absorb the wax, leaving the cloth perfectly clear of any wax.

3. Give each member of your family a different colored mesh lingerie bag for their socks. Yeah, right.. I can see it now.. "Ok, who put the cat in the green bag??" When laundry time comes, just throw the bags in the laundry and dryer. This way you don't need to do any sorting and figuring out who's are who's!!
Ok, ok.. I am done.. I have ragged this poor lady enough.. The tips were great!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I believe that even if the good Lord had given us mothers 36 hours in each day and four hands, it still would not be enough to get it all done. There isn't a mother in the world who hasn't wished that just once; she could have all her laundry, ironing, grocery shopping done. The house cleaned, the basement cleaned up, the tool shed cleaned out. There is only one thing to do; do what you can and don't worry about the rest.

We need articles, poetry and other original submissions
of interest to women, especially Christian women.

e-mail

Graphics, Design & Hosting by Web4Christ Ministries

Home | Webzine | Archives | Resources
Free Graphics | Our Mission | Membership
  Submission Guidelines | E-Mail Fellowship

Author: Iona Hoeppner
Copyright © 2000 ionanet. All rights reserved.
Revised: April 20, 2006.