Handmaidens - Comedy

September, 2000

Comedy & Humor	Topics
The Senior Driver Submitted by Patti As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck, Bertha May, " said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"	Cover Page Christian Comedy Education Essays, Etc. Health Home Letters Marriage Parenting Poetry/Art Stewardship Sites to See Work Extra

Editor's Note: Our jokes have a theme this month - aging. I am in my 60's and got a real bang out of them. I pray no one is offended as we have a bit of fun with it. All kidding aside, here's a fine link:

Seniors Information Resource Center The Only Search Directory Exclusively For The Over 50 Age Group

Old is When...

Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80 years old but that 80 is not "old." Red explained:

"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light."

When I'm an Old Lady
Submitted by Brtfuture

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my kids,
and make their life happy and filled with such fun.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited.
....When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue;
and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, they'll shout.
....When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
and when that is done I'll hide under the bed.
....When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

When they cook dinner and call me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
and when they get angry, run fast as I'm able.
....When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
and play in the mud until the end of the day.
....When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes;
and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping."
....When I'm an old lady and live with my kids.

Over the Hill
Submitted by LIZJOH

You Know You Are Over the Hill If...

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Going hiking means you walk to your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is only a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. The iron in your blood turns to lead in your feet.
22. It takes twice as long to look half as good.
23. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
24. Your house catches fire and the first thing you grab is your Metamucil.
25. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
26. You get two invitations to go out on the same night and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
27. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
28. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
29. You get to the check-out line, see how long it is, and decide what you have in your buggy isn't worth the wait.
30. You have more patience, but actually it's just that you don't care anymore.
31. Rocking in a rocking chair feels like a roller coaster ride.
32. You confuse having a clear conscience with a bad memory.
33. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
34. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

Barbie 2000
Submitted by Darlyn Johnson

Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

Bifocals Barbie Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Flabby Arms Barbie Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too - muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

Bunion Barbie Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

No-More-Wrinkles Barbie Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Recovery Barbie Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

Post-Menopausal Barbie This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

Benefits of Growing Older
Submitted by Floyd Bills & Carol Skipper

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- You can buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
- You got cable for the weather channel.
- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You send money to PBS.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Childhood Games for the Aging
Submitted by Carol Skipper

Who says you can't play those childhood games when you get old!! You can!!
You just have to improvise . . .

1. Sag! You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over!
6. Doc, Doc, Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners

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