Handmaidens - Comedy

October, 2000

New! Prophecy Ministries Aunt Eller's Garden

Comedy & Humor

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Quotes
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner
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I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --Sue Kolinsky
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I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. --Carol Leifer
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The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. --Jackie Gleason

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Editor's Note: Except for a few, have no way of knowing if the following Al Gore quotes are true. They are presented here in fun and not in malice, nor are they some kind of political statement from me... Actually, I mis-speak myself fairly often, too!

Political Humor?

REMARKABLE QUOTES FROM A FUTURE PRESIDENT ?????
Thanks to Terry Submitted by Bobby Lewis

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
--Vice President Al Gore

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's
history, I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
--Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
--Vice President Al Gore

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Vice President Al Gore

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Al Gore

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
--Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
--Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
--Vice President Al Gore

"The future will be better tomorrow."
--Vice President Al Gore

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 5/20/996

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Al Gore

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Al Gore

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Al Gore may or may not make."
-- Vice President Al Gore

How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Say What!?

And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, upon her marriage she was called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with Thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving Thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."

And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.

It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This!
Submitted by Floyd Bills

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void,
And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said,
"It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image;
Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman
And saw that they were lean and fit.
And God populated the earth
With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach
And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds,
So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.
And the Devil said to Man,
"You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them."
And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt,
That Woman might keep her figure
But the Devil brought forth chocolate.
And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said,
"Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's.
And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus?
"I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables
And olive oil with which to cook them."

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak
So big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds
And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes.
And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control
So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control
And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And the Devil saw and said,
"It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken
And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer
So Man could poison his body,
While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth
Into the land of Godiva chocolate,
And upon returning asked Man,
"Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said,
"Always tell the truth."
And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man
And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer,
East of the marriage counselor

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

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