Handmaidens - Comedy

January 15, 2001

Comedy!

Topics

Rules for Writers...
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)
6. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Don't use no double negatives.
12. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

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Laugh A While...

No Wonder English is so Hard to Learn...

We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Lukewarm Church Songs
Submitted by Carol Skipper of Apron Strings Devotionals

[I don't know if this should be a joke or thought for the day]

The Lukewarm Church announces publication of "Church Songs," whose title, according to the editor, was chosen because "We didn't want to turn anybody off with threatening words that no one understands anymore like 'worship' or 'hymn.' People in today's society get kind of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment and dedication. They'd much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off at will. Our book seeks to meet that need."

Sample contents:

* A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
* Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
* Above Average is Thy Faithfulness
* Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
* All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name
* My Hope is Built on Nothing Much
* Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
* My Faith Looks Around for Thee
* Be Thou My Hobby
* O God, Our Enabler in Ages Past
* Blest Be the Tie That Doesn't Cramp My Style
* Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
* He's Quite a Bit to Me
* Oh, How I Like Jesus
* I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
* Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
* I Surrender Some
* Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
* I'm Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
* Self-Esteem to the World! The Lord is Come
* Sit Up, Sit Up for Jesus
* Special, Special, Special
* Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere Near Me
* Stick Nearby, It's Getting Dark Outside
* Take My Life and Let Me Be
* There is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
* There Shall be Sprinkles of Blessings
* What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
* When Peace, Like a Trickle. . .
* When the Saints Go Sneaking In
* Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
* God of Taste, and God of Stories
* Lift Every Voice and Intellectualize

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