Handmaidens - Comedy

January, 2006

Comedy!	Topics
A Great Writer There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.	Cover Page Christian Comedy Education Essays, etc. Health Home Letters Marriage Stewardship Parenting Poetry/Art Sites to See Work Extra

Laugh A While...

Health Alert...

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Real Woman vs. Martha Stewart

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad.
Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it willkeep for weeks.

The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Women's Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, YOU'RE NOW BLIND!

Martha's way #9:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women's Way:
Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Haiku Poetry

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules. Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haikus are used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity...

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Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

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The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

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Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

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Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

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Windows XP crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

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Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

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First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

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With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

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The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

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Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

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A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
(boat anchor)

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Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

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You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

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Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

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Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

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Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

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