Handmaidens - Love & Marriage Issues and Info

January, 2006

Love & Marriage Issues

Topics

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
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God grades on the cross, not the curve.
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God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts"!
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God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
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Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!
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He who angers you, controls you!
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He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

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THE STRANGER IN MY BED:
"Overcoming Isolation in Marriage"
By Eileen Rife

Sierra rolled over in bed and looked at the man lying beside her. With a little less at the temples and a little more at the waistline, she hardly recognized him anymore. Who was this stranger she once knew so well?

She remembered an earlier time when they would talk, sharing their hopes and dreams for the future. Now, some fifteen years later, it WAS the future and they rarely talked at all. They sat at the same kitchen table in the mornings, sipping coffee and scanning the newspaper. They drove to work in the same car, passed each other in the hall during lunch breaks, and came home at night to share the same dinner table. Then off to bed. Same spouse. Same routine. Same isolation day after boring day.

"What has happened to us? Why have we suddenly drifted apart?" Sierra frantically questioned while gazing at her snoring partner.

Those are questions many couples ask years after the trip to the altar. But rarely does isolation just suddenly happen. It is years in the making, in thousands of subtle ways. Hurtful words that drive a wedge. Sarcastic glances that isolate. Games of "he said"- "she said" that separate. And before you realize what is happening, you wake up strangers in a world of your own making.

Some experts call this unhappy circumstance "married singlehood." Yes, the couple is married. They have the license, cuts, and bruises to prove it. But that is about all. They are married in name only. They go about their daily lives as if they were really single.

So, how CAN a couple overcome isolation as the years pass?

1. Date your mate.

List activities you enjoy, and number them in order of your preference. Take turns sharing your hobbies and special places of interest. Through the girls' growing years, we made it a goal to go out alone together weekly. We put it on the calendar. Otherwise, it would not have happened. Don't let other activities crowd out your couple time. You are changing with the seasons of your life. Stay tuned in to your partner. You both need this weekly refresher, just for the two of you to share feelings and enjoy each other's companionship and support.

2. Revisit your courtship days.

Think about what drew you together in the first place. The goals you shared. The traits you admired in the other person. The places you enjoyed going. The activities you did together. Often this exercise helps you wade through all the muck and mire of married life and regain perspective on why you are together in the first place.

3. Keep the lines of communication open daily.

Our "home-base" is at the breakfast table where we take a few minutes to read some scripture or a Christian book, pray together, and discuss concerns. We try to manage conflicts as they arise and respect the other person's viewpoint.

4. Handle anger constructively.

You've heard the old adage, "Don't go to bed mad." Well, it's older than grandma. The apostle Paul in the New Testament preached the same message thousands of years ago when he wrote Ephesians 4:26: "Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger." Choose to forgive daily. Leave the past behind and move forward together.

5. Make your spouse your best friend.

To be well-balanced, also include other friendships, but reserve the number one spot for your mate! Draw him into your dreams, secrets, thoughts, and feelings.

6. Enhance your romance.

Don't get so busy with your own interests and work that you cheat yourself and your partner out of intimacy. You probably have more time and, perhaps, money to invest in candlelit dinners, trips, and moonlit walks than you might think. If your home is happy, you will be able to give more to others. You have more emotional energy to invest, because you are content and secure in your marital relationship.

God has an exciting path mapped out for your marriage ministry, as you recommit to love one another and serve Him with the rest of your days. Intimacy takes work, but the time and effort pay off big time with a marriage that moves closer with each passing year. Then, you won't have to wake up tomorrow morning and wonder who that stranger is in your bed!

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Eileen Rife is a Christian freelance writer and speaker from Roanoke, VA. Along with her husband, a professional counselor, she has coauthored two books, MARRIAGE WITH AN ATTITUDE (based on the book of Philippians) and WHEN MOURNING COMES, LIVING THROUGH LOSS. She is currently working on a third book to be released late 2003. She also writes a free weekly ezine called LIFETIME GROWTH NEWS devoted to building up singles, couples, and families as they grow through the seasons of life. People may subscribe at rifefam@juno.com . She has homeschooled their three girls for the past eighteen years.

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