It's the South!
Submitted by Carol Skipper of Apron Strings

Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

Well, butter my bottom and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."

"This'll jar your preserves."

Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's bottom in a pepper patch."

Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering poop on a marble floor."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

The Parent Test
Submitted by Dereinke

To all of you that are trying to have your children, Good Luck.......Passing the test that is. For all the rest of us we can look on and have a few chuckles of remembrance

You are not ready to be a parent until you can pass the following tests:

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the Wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your Bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

The Country Church?
Submitted by Scott Tousignaut

You might be in a country church if ...

1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call to Worship is ,"Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" - and five guys stand up.
5. The restroom is outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves."
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
12. A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."
13. The church directory doesn't have last names.
14. The pastor wears boots.
15. Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during
the summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash.
17. There is no such thing as a "secret'' sin.
18. Baptism is referred to as "branding.''
19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.
22. High notes from the women set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
24. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
25. The final words, of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear!"

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