Jesus vs. Satan
Submitted by Scott TousignautJesus and Satan have an
argument as to who is the better programmer. This
goes on for a few hours until they come to an
agreement to hold a contest, with God as the
judge. They set themselves before their computers
and begin. They type furiously, lines of code
streaming up the screen, for several hours
straight.
Seconds before
the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning
strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments
later, the power is restored, and God announces
that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show
what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset,
and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all
when the power went out."
"Very well,
then," says God, "let us see if Jesus
fared any better."
Jesus enters a
command, the screen comes to life in vivid
display and the voices of an angelic choir pour
forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He
stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything,
yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do
it?"
God chuckles,
"Everybody knows... Jesus saves."
Remember
When...
Submitted by Floyd Bills
Submitted by Margo Bentzler
A computer was
something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat.....
Meg was the name
of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes
An application
was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
Memory was
something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you did a hard drive backup
You hoped nobody found out
Compress was
something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
Log on was
adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with
a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu
I guess I'll
stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
What if
Dr. Seuss Wrote a Computer Manual?
Submitted by Floyd Bills
If a packet hits
a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is
interrupted as a very last resort, and the
address of the memory makes your floppy disk
abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error
to report.
If your cursor
finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the
double-clicking icon puts your window in the
trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the
index doesn't hash, then your situation's
hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on
the cable on the table at your house, says the
network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another
protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the
printer down the hall, and your screen is all
distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your
icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then
you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna
hang!
When the copy of
your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the
microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll
want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the
computer and be sure to tell your mom!
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Microsoft's CHRISTMAS
From
Sense of Humor!'Twas the night before
Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings
were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new
software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their
heads.
PageMaker for
Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -
Which has now
been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill
Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries
of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his
sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down
the way
From where Bill
has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a
view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and
Sue.
No more dolls or
toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon
me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than
eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them
by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you
through,
It is
Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional
twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young,
keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And Mama in her
'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned
toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the
screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD
NIGHT.
For more
computer laughs, please see:
Internet E-Mail
Humor Collection
Computer, Science
& Math Jokes
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