Mary's Heart
Written by Diana Sheehan

If Mary was here today what would she say to us. From the imagination of another daughter, wife and mother, I have crafted her words. May the Lord give us all insight into the heart of Mary, mother of Jesus, the original HANDMAIDEN OF THE LORD.

"I was young and now I am old, and I have never seen the righteous forsaken nor their children begging bread. I am a daughter, a mother, and a wife. . . and at the end of my life I can say that I have known happiness and joy that is indescribable. I have also known anguish, grief, and the deepest depths of despair. I watched as a sword pierced through my Son's body and it felt as if it went through my very soul.

My firstborn, OH. . . He was a miracle child. An honor to bear such a wonderful, mysterious child. . . a work of God the Father, but not an easy task to raise the Father's only Son in such a world. I was so young when the angel first appeared to me. He said, "Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you. Blessed are you among women". His angelic presence and his words still sounds deep within my spirit. It seems like yesterday. At first I was troubled at the angel's presence. I felt fear, my great enemy, rise up within me. And then Gabriel said "Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God". Then suddenly a great peace washed over me. This all-encompassing peace, passed by all my human understanding flooded into my soul. I felt illuminated and some how free of the bonds of human intellect. I didn't need to understand.

I heard and saw the words as they came forth from the angelic being. "And behold you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name Jesus. He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Highest; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David. And He will reign forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end." All I could say was "How can this be, since I do not know a man?" Then more words floated upon the air, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you and the power of the Highest will overshadow you and the Holy One who is to be born will be called the Son of God." Then he told me that my dear cousin, Elizabeth, a righteous and precious friend, had also conceived. She had been barren for so long. My heart had been broken for her and I could not understand how an upright woman could endure such pain as childlessness. In an instance the Presence read my mind, my doubts, fears and answered all my questions with His simple words, "For with God nothing will be impossible."

I was overcome with a deep, soul searing faith, and I almost sang these words - - - "Behold the handmaiden of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your words." In an instant, I was alone. When the angel left, I felt upheaval in my spirit. Did this really just happen or was it a dream? I questioned for a moment and then felt a warm, glowing presence of deep peace take over my heart and mind. Time stood still for the next few moments and a glory I could never describe with words fell upon me. Many times in the following years I would long to sense that glorious presence with that amazing power again. Oh, I had lived with peace, with joy, with even happiness and laughter, but how can I describe this indescribable presence that I lived for moments in a long lifetime.

My beloved Joseph understood. For the angel also visited him. I was not easy for either of us but what great work of God is ever easy. What an adventure we lived. Moments of miracles surrounded by the ordinary life of a carpenter and his wife. We raised four other sons and they were so very different from Jesus. My daughters, also different. . . How can I tell you about my first born and have you understand what it was like. . . I want to show you, to tell you about Jesus in words that will shape your soul and your spirit like mine were shaped. . . by His presence.

As He grew and became strong in spirit, He was filled with wisdom; and the grace of God was upon Him. Everyone could see it. Some did not know what that grace was. . . it was most sad to watch my other children. They did not understand. I could not force them to understand. It is a choice to know Him fully and deeply. There were times that I felt I failed as a mother. Those were the times I watched my other children, His siblings, sneer at Him. The worst mothering moment? My heart broke when anger rose up in my other sons' heart. They said that Jesus was mad, and they wished to have Him arrested and taken away. It was one thing to have outsiders rejected Him, but not my own children. Jesus was truly despised and rejected of men.

I nursed Him with warm milk from my body. I watched Him learn to walk. I picked Him up when he fell down. I taught Him the scriptures. Joseph taught Him to work. Joseph loved to watch Him create things in his wood shop. His childish imagination was of a divine nature. He would be easily entertained for hours for His creativity was endless. Although we were poor, He could always find something to play, learn or do. I gave Him all that we had, a simple home, the only home His flesh would ever truly know. For years my home was permeated with perfect trust, love, purity, and sympathetic understanding, just because His Presence was there. Where ever He was there was obedience. He loved when I told Him stories of Father God. When I read Him the records of the saints and the prophets an understanding and a knowledge beyond His years would shine through His eyes. He had my eyes. He had his Grandfather's chin. It was amazing to see my family resemblance in him and know in my heart that He was not of this world. He was not comely, but He was beautiful beyond description. He saw himself in me and he loved me for my heart. He saw His Father in my heart. I have stored up His face, His Hands, His fragrance in my mind and I treasure it in my heart. Now, these last days, in Him I live and move and have my being.

There were such times of rejoicing as the power of God was made manifest upon the earth through His teaching and His miracles. When he was twelve, I will never forget when we went up to the annual Feast of Passover. When the ceremonies were over we left with our relatives. Lost in conversation for a while, I suddenly realized my Son was not among us. I retraced my steps to the temple and found Him in deep conversation with the fathers of the sanctuary. I spoke out in frustration, "Your father and I have been looking for You!" His reply quicken my soul, "Did you not think that I would be busy with my Father's business?" It was then that I knew He was now a man. I knew it would not be long before God's plan would unfold. I did not know the full plan of God. I walked in faith with expectancy. I longed to see the big picture, the end result, to read the blueprints, but it was never the Father's way. A piece of the puzzle was revealed as needed for the construction of the masterpiece. At the time it was a testing, but now I am glad for not knowing . . . one step at a time is easier than . . . well, knowing the end. I am glad I did not know the end at the beginning. I would not have understood. I could not have understood.

For thirty years I carried the secret of His birth and the prophecy of His Messianic mission. Then the moment of parting came. A pang in my heart, a lump in my throat. . . I had sheltered Him for so long. I saw Him after that but He never truly ever came home again. His ministry lasted just three years - - - Thirty years of preparation for three years of ministry. I still do not understand. If we had kept Him longer. . . I do not let myself think on this, for very long. For I do know that God is sovereign and His ways are not our ways. I was worried that He would exhaust Himself under His heavy load of work. His constant work and lack of food and rest. . . I am a mother, I wanted to mother Him. I tried to help but I felt His rebuke when He shouted, "My mother! Who is my mother and my brothers?" Then pointing to those sitting around Him who had believed His words he said, "Behold my mother and my brethren! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven, the same is my brother, sister, and mother." The distance between my Son and I began to widen. I began to feel more strongly the piercings of the sword of which old Simeon in the temple spoke about when Jesus was just a baby. My cup became bitterer.

My deepest anguish, agony of spirit, soul and body . . .when I stood beneath that rugged, enormous, grotesque cross and watched my baby of 33 year before, my baby whom the angels and the shepherds and the wisemen celebrated. . . I watched this same child hang as a man - - - with nail, no spikes, through His hands and feet, almost naked, a crown of thorns upon His head. . . blackness of pain and despair. . . I could not see. . . I could not feel, numbness of spirit possessed me. . . I could not speak. . . (CRYING) I heard . . . I heard the blasphemies and the revilings of the priests and the people, but in the deepest, darkest moment, my faith did not go out. I stood by the cross in silence. Beneath His feet I could not lose more. . . "Woman? Behold your son." I heard Him breathe out. To John He said, "Behold your mother."

The highest and best fruit of my life was my oldest Son. The Son of God. I have now truly become the handmaiden of the Lord."

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