Handmaidens - Comedy

Handmaidens

Comedy!

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Social Security?
Submitted by Julia Townsend
A woman took her Social Security check to the bank to cash it. Although the check was plainly marked "Do not fold, staple, or mutilate," she had rumpled it considerably. The teller told her, "You should be more careful with your checks. The government doesn't like it when you muss them up." The woman replied, "Well then, we're even. I don't like some of the things the government does, either!"

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Bad Computer
Submitted by Jeanie Kelter

You Know it's Bad When...

The lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

The only chip inside is a Dorito.

When God Made Woman
Submitted by Phyllis Coats

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very Lonely, so God asked him, " What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, so God told him that he would make Adam a companion and that "she would be known as woman, this person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be thr first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, " An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history......

Women's Wisdom
Submitted by Phyllis Coats

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

One of the life's mysteries is how a to pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! you hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down to your hips.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

NOTE: Phyllis sent this along with the above Jokes:

I hope I might have brought a smile where there were once tears.... for no matter how rough the road we travel.. it was made just for us.... so look for the good and seek the Son.
your fellow sister in Christ, phyllis

Religious Humor
Submitted by Jenifer Mars

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

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Sunday school teacher asked her little children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

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I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

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One Sunday in a midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

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And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"

And Here's Some More...

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

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The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country." "Very good," the teacher said "And what is the name of our country?" 'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.

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After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

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Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water." One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"

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A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."

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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

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