Handmaidens - Comedy

Handmaidens

Comedy!

Topics

Abraham & Isaac
Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day. "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do..."

Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned..."But dad, I don't think your computer has enough memory."

Abraham said "Don't worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM."

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Top 10 Lists

"The Top 10 Things People Think About While Singing a Hymn"

10. The pot roast.

9. What does pastor wear under robes?

8. Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?

7. 90 minutes till kickoff.

6. Did I turn off the curling iron?

5. The likelihood of the ceiling fan falling and hitting me on the head.

4. How many people have lost more hair than I have?

3. How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?

2. Are there doughnuts at fellowship?

1. How many more verses?

Excerpted from Chapter 8 of Holy Humor Page 130; 272 total pages.

"Noah's Top 10"

10. Strange! We haven't seen another boat for weeks.

9. If only I'd brought along more rhino litter!

8. How many times around this place makes a mile?

7. I never want to sleep in a waterbed again.

6. I wonder what my friends are doing right now.

5. An outboard motor would have made this more exciting!

4. Fish for supper--again?

3. Does anyone have more Dramamine?

2. What? You don't have film to photograph the rainbow?

1. I should have killed those darn mosquitoes when I had the chance!

-Pastor Paul W. Kummer, Grace Lutheran Church, Destin, Florida. Excerpted from Chapter 1 of More Holy Humor. Page 5; 208 total pages

"Top 10 Ways of Knowing You've Joined the Wrong Church"

10. The Pastor refers to God only as "Jehovah" and constantly exhorts the congregation to "witness"

9. New members are required to submit W-2's for the last 10 years.

8. Pastor regularly attends meetings at Las Vegas and Atlantic City.

7. The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".

6. You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions.

5. The Women's Quartet are all married to the pastor.

4. The chancel cross has been replaced with a bronze pyramid.

3. Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies and the elders want to make them part of the doctrinal statement.

2. The New Member's kit includes a Bible, church-by-laws, and an UZI.

1. The Pastoral Search Committee announces that they discovered a problem with their one good candidate-she's divorced.

Marko Jauhiainen (mark@tpu.fi)

"Top 10 Reasons To Go To A Sunday Night Renewal Meeting"

10. It'll burn off more calories than a workout at the gym.

9. When was the last time you held onto a live electric wire and lived to tell about it?

8. There's nothing good on TV on Sunday nights anyway.

7. It's almost as much fun as being in a room full of Elvis impersonators.

6. The Bingo Palace isn't open after 5:00 on Sundays.

5. It'll give you some great material for a letter to the editor of "National Enquirer."

4. You don't have to miss Oprah or any of the soaps to go to it.

3. 100,000 Anglicans can't be wrong.

2. If God threw a party, wouldn't you want to be there?

1. The drinks are on the house!

(Shared by Mark Dickens at the Victoria Vineyard on Sunday, October 29, 1995.)

Marko Jauhiainen (mark@tpu.fi)

"Top Ten Reasons for Joining the Choir"

10. Your running out of clean clothes and the choir robes save on laundry.

9. You've just been selected for jury duty and want to get used to sitting with a group of people.

8. Your church is so full you want to ensure that you always have a seat.

7. The collection plate is never passed to the choir.

6. There's a clock at the back of the sanctuary and you want to be the first to know when it's 12:00.

5. The preacher is new and you want to be close by in case he says something heretical.

4. For years you've wanted to know who sits in the back pews but were always afraid to turn around.

3. You've been known to nod off during the service and don't want the preacher to catch you.

2. The chairs in the choir are the most comfortable in the sanctuary.

1. Your favorite movie is Sister Act!

(©1997 by Grant MacDonald , used by permission.)

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"Top Ten Gifts Given the First Christmas That Aren't Mentioned in the Bible"

10. "I Luv Bethlehem" bumper sticker.

9. Subscription to "Better Homes and Stables."

8. Rain Check at the Bethlehem Holiday Inn.

7. A tube of "Deep Heat" (from the shepherds who were "sore afraid").

6. Lifetime membership to the "Good Shepherd Society".

5. McNally's Guide to Egypt.

4. Movie passes to "Star Trek: Journey to THE King."

3. Book: "All You Wanted to Know About Being Human But Were Afraid To Ask!"

2. A T-Shirt (infant size) with "My Dad's Out of This World!," written on it.

1. SON glasses.

©1997 by Grant MacDonald , used with permission.

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