Y2K and Other Scary Computer Bugs?

Don't miss our serious look at Y2K from a Christian perpsective.

Y2K Burger Disaster?
Submitted by Julie Townsend

Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.

This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.

The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

"The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB", one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."

THE Y "Zero" K Problem
Submitted by Lauren Marcus
____________________________________
Message from: Rome
January 18, 1 B.C.

Dear Cassius,

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at the last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.

We have heard that there are 3 wise guys in the east working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive till it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway we are continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops.

Plutonius.

Russia and The Y2K Problem
Submitted by Scott Tousignaut

There have been reports that Russia is not taking the year 2000 bug seriously enough:

A little digging confirmed those fears...

10. Appointed Misha the Bear, the 1980 Olympics mascot, as official Y2K Czar.

9. Y2K task force always begins meetings with several ceremonial vodka toasts.

8. Programmers busy building Russian chess computer to beat the stuffing out of Big Blue.

7. Aeroflot never used computers for air traffic control anyway.

6. There's no catchy acronym like "Y2K" available in the Russian alphabet, and they don't want to hear about the "millennium bug" because the millennium actually begins on 1/1/2001.

5. "Y2K" misunderstood as unnecessary update of the still very popular AK-47.

4. Considering hard-line Communists' proposed solution: turn calendar back to 1918.

3. The computers that control nuclear missiles are already running Windows 98--and what could be more stable than that?

2. Intense Russian weather shuts down society every January anyway; why should the year 2000 be any different?

1. Some Russian officials overheard referring to this potentially earth-shattering event as "a fear-based marketing scam cooked up by a bunch of growth-addicted capitalists.

Virus Alert!!
Submitted by Art & Viola Gilbert

If you receive an e-mail entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty, it will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on you VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne causing it to smell like dill pickles.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

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