Handmaidens - Comedy

Handmaidens

Comedy!	Topics
TOP 8 OLD FOLKS PARTY GAMES Submitted by Jenny Likens 1. Sag, You're It! 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear 4. Kick the Bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over 6. Simon Says Something Incoherent 7. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 8. Musical Recliners	Cover Page Christian Comedy Education Essays, etc. Health Home Letters Marriage Parenting Poetry/Art Sites to See Stewardship Work Extra

Something to Laugh About?

Actual Bloopers From Church Bulletins
Submitted by Jeanie Kelter and Stephanie Schafer

1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

23. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

HOW TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB

1. How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

2. How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.

3. How many Baptists does it take to change a light Bulb? Change???

4. How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and dark.

5. How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

6. How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

7. How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb? At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it ... to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

8. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None. They always use candles.

9. How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb? One, but soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

10. How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb? One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

11. How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb? This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted -all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

12. How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? "What's a light bulb?"

13. How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb? Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.

14. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb? 109! Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next congregational business meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who, then commissions the trustee in charge of the janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

Graphics, Design & Hosting by Web4Christ Ministries