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Parenting
the Prodigal I sat stunned as the judge ordered that our soon to be 17 year old ward could go live with the neighbors, that neither we nor her mom or dad had custody of her pending a Special Advocate report and final court ruling on the case. Sonja wanted to live with the neighbors. She felt she would have fewer restrictions in their home. She said she would run away if she had to continue living with her dad or move in with us... and the judge believed her. "I admit it's not the best," he said, "but at least we will know where she is." Sonja had run away twice before. Evidence we found in her room proves she has been using pot and having a varied and active "sex life." Now she tells us that she plans to continue and there is nothing we can do about it... and, in effect, the judge has echoed that thought. The saddest part of all is that they are right! We've already tried a loving home, a treatment center, a youth ranch, counseling... Now it's time we learned a lesson from the father of the Biblical Prodigal. Notice that when this rebellious young man demanded his inheritance and ran off to squander it on riotous living, the father, realizing I think that it would be fruitless, made no effort to stop his son or force him to stay home. Instead, the father watched and waited and prayed. He had to trust his boy to God... and God knew that the rebel would not repent until all was gone and he was reduced to the lowest level... so God permitted that to happen. And finally, the prodigal returns home ready to assume the role of a servant. In joy, the waiting father celebrates his son, lavishing him with love and abstaining from unnecessary "I told you so" condemnation. So we, like that wise father, wait and pray and trust our beloved Sonja to God. There
Ought to Be a Club I knew I had to write this, knew I wanted to, but dreaded it. It is the telling of a journey into Hell, not of my choosing, in fact I did everything I knew how to avoid it. I have found, via the net, there is a quietly increasing club out there of hurt and bleeding people who are the moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles, sisters and brothers of our beloved prodigals. This experience absolutely has to be lived to be understood, and yet of course, one who has, wouldn't wish it on their worst enemy. Before this happened to my son, I thought I had some answers for those it did happen to. I had learned when my husband left, and my reaction, not to judge others, something I'd struggled with all my life. But there was still some residual "I know what I would do" left. I was close to a similar situation and just felt the kids involved should be put out of the house. As I found, not so easy to do when it's cold out and you know they have absolutely nowhere else to go --- and it's now your kid. I remember praying telling the Lord about it all, and asking Him to intervene, that I knew so many had prayed the same prayer, but this was different, this was my son. That's how each and every one of us feels. A bit of background: my son was adopted at 4-1/2 weeks, always a joyful handful, he was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7, during the time my husband left me for someone else. My ex obtained joint physical custody, and my two children have spent the last 12 years one week with me, one with their dad and his wife. My son is an extremely gifted artist, and did well in school until the last semester. I took him to tour an art college which he planned to attend, his father took him to tour the Disney Studios, a private tour, which he loved and his goal was to work there as an animator. However, in 1997 my father got cancer and passed away, my son was never the same. It was then that he began dressing more and more in black and listening to alternative music. Though I checked for warning labels and read lyrics, he managed to have enough that really didn't have anything I could object to, other than the anti-social feel it projected in its sound. As one's child nears their 18th birthday, you realize you have to loosen the grip, or risk losing them completely. I tried to keep a relaxed hand on limits I set for him, and he complied. Still, about one month after turning 18, he moved out and into a friend's apartment. It wasn't long until the outrageous behavior took over. It seemed he'd had a lifetime of restraint to make up for. He dabbled in drugs, marijuana, didn't work, slept most of the day, up most of the night. Then one week before graduation, he took off with a 14 year old girl. They were caught up to in Canada, she wsa sent home, he followed. But not until after he had hooked up with a drug dealer in Washington. I will fast forward in an attempt not to bore the reader. His dad sent him a bus ticket to get as far as my brother's, I drove to Oregon to pick him up. The morning after we got home, he was gone back to his friend's. He ultimately got his friend evicted by jumping from the balcony into the pool at 2:00 a.m. with his girlfriend. Moved in with her in a tiny, tiny slum where I took him to pick up his things, when once again, he promised to improve. He came home, got a job, involved himself in some other legal problems, quit the job, met the girl he is currently with. They went away with the above friend and his pregnant girlfriend for the Thanksgiving weekend, and upon returning, promptly stole someone's purse. The police came and looked through my apartment, thinking I might be hiding him. I told them where they might be, they found them, no money taken from the purse. They took the girl in handcuffs, and let my son come home. He and the girl got together after, she apologized to me and seemed genuinely sorry. I have not mentioned the stealing from my purse, taking my car without permission, outrageous behavior reported from friend's kids, etc. Ultimately, he left in a huff, then called in a few days to say neither of them had anywhere to go, her aunt had kicked her out. I let them stay here for 5 days, she would go to social services at that time. Then it became clear that Josh would not leave her. She had taken the persona of a waif-like female in need of his protection. This from the girl who had been on her own since 16. My son, for all his bravado and chest pounding, is still relatively innocent as regards being able to read people. He is very trusting. So I had to drop them both off at social services. I have heard from him only twice since then, it was about two weeks ago when I dropped them off. I should mention that especially as a single parent, even for half of his life, one just feels certain that this has a lot to do with deteriorating behavior. That may be, but I, and many others I've talked to, raised their kids in church, truly living for Christ in front of them, etc. Only the Lord knows the reasons why, and we must trust in that, knowing all we did, we did with love. Now, finally, the point to this. If there are parents of prodigals out there who are struggling with what to do, I would like to share what I pray will be of some hope. First of course is to pray, always pray. There has been time after time when the Lord was watching over my boy, and I know it is because of the many prayers said for him. Here is the hardest part, to let go of them. Once they are 18, there's not a lot you can do. I so feared for my boy, I tried to hang on by helping him, when all he was really doing was using me. I reasoned that a mother's love will go on no matter what, that even though my boy was being selfish and foolish, one day he would come around and be grateful. It took seeing him with this girl, and deciding to leave with her, for me to see that the Lord wanted me to take my hands off. That his salvation is his to work out, between he and God. I cannot force it. That I must trust God and rest in Him. This was the hardest thing I've ever done. I survived a divorce -- just barely, with God's help -- this was harder. My son was adopted after many years of wanting a child, I delighted thoroughly in him. This has broken my heart, but brought me to my knees and closer to my Lord. I know He loves my son more than I do, so I know it is safe to trust Him. This may take years, finally I am prepared to wait, and be strong in the Lord to stop being manipulated. He let me see that actually I was hurting my son by not letting him suffer the consequences of his actions, no matter how horrible that may be for him. So I wait. Now, if your child is still a minor, I would advise you to get help immediately. Whatever works best for your child and your family. Counseling, tough love, etc. Just do something before it all spins out of control. The enemy is seeking to destroy families, and he's doing a pretty good job with our kids. It's time to take action. If we had taken quicker action, my son might have been spared some heartache. But, again, I rest in the Lord and His grace. Lastly, my prayer for the parents of prodigals is that the Lord may grant you courage, strength, wisdom, comfort and peace as you sorrowfully begin your path to releasing them to the Lord. I know it hurts, and is almost impossible. I sat with my pastor and in tears told him that even though there is a young man doing unbelievably terrible things, using foul language, etc., when I look at him, I still see the little boy, full of life, laughing, running to me and throwing his arms around my neck. How can I turn him away? Because, those days are over, time to put away childish things and help the boy become a man. Sometimes that means saying goodbye for a time. Be strong in the Lord, our Provider, the Lover of our souls, He cares, He is there, He will go through this with you. Blessings.
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