Something to Think About?

Life's Questions To Ponder
Submitted by Margo Bentzler

A Merry Heart Doeth Good Like A Medicine - Proverbs 17:22
Courtesy of Ministry of Helps International and Buddy Bell Ministries

• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• How do I set my laser printer on stun?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If the a2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still a2?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• If you ate pasta and then antipasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
• There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
• Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
• Remember - The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!

Actual Bloopers From Church Bulletins
Submitted by Scott Tousignaut

The following are actual statements seen on various church bulletins:

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, What Do I See Here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An Awful Voice Is Sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD. Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Spell Checker
Submitted by Kimberly Jarboe

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

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