 |
The Rules of Chocolate
If you've got melted chocolate all over
your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Pastor Jokes A Pulpit committee went to hear a prospective minister preach. The best thing they liked about his sermon is that it was only 10 minutes long. They immediately called him as their new Pastor. His first week in the new church he preached a 30 minute sermon. The next week his sermon was almost 2 hours. The Deacons met with him and asked him to explain. His response was, that the first time the committee heard him preach, he had a new set of dentures in his mouth that hurt him terribly so he could barely preach 10 minutes and had to stop talking because of the pain. The second time he preached, he said that his dentures felt fine so he preached a normal 30 minute sermon. They said that explains those 2 sermons, but please explain to us this last sermon that was 2 hours long. He said that's easy, I got up that particular morning and accidentally put My Wife's Dentures in my mouth, and when I started talking I couldn't shut up! A preacher preached a vigorous sermon and a lady in the congregation praised him highly and suggested that he should publish his sermons. The preacher told her he was planning they be published posthumously. To which she replied, "Well good, the sooner the better." A young man preaching for the first time stood before the people as the moments passed. At last, opening his mouth, slowly he began to speak,..."On the way here this morning, only God and I knew what I was to share with you,...and now only God knows! A pastor was bragging that it only took him the time to walk from the parsonage to the church to prepare his Sunday sermon so the congregation bought him a new house 10 miles from the church. The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" Many years ago a missionary priest was
sent Korea to help out the aged parish priest. Although he had good
training in the language it was the rule of his order that he not preach
a sermon in the Korean language for two years when he had gotten grasp
of the various colloquelisms. Three boys are bragging about their dad. The first says: "when my dad writes something called a poem he gets like $100 for it." Says the second boy: "that's nothing! If my dad writes something called a song he get's like $200 for it." To which the third boy replies: "when my dad writes something called a sermon, after he's done reading it, it takes like eight people to collect all the money for it. The preacher was shaking hands with the members of his congregation after a service when one man approached him and said, "That was a wonderful sermon today, pastor!" Filled with Christian modesty, the preacher replied, "Oh, it wasn't me, it was God." To which the reply came, "It wasn't that good." A new Preacher came to his first church, a little old country church. The first Sunday, only one person showed up for the morning service, a little old man in bib-over-alls. The Preacher said to the man, "Brother, your seem to be the only one to show up this morning, should I preach or what?" The little old man replied, "Well Sir, I ain't no preacher, I'm just an old farmer, but if I had a truck load of hay, and I went to the pasture and only one cow showed up, I'd feed that cow!" The Preacher, inspired by these words of wisdom, began to preach like he never had before, he preached every thing he had learned or heard and then began to make up stuff, finally after 2-hours, he finished. He looked to the little old man and said, "Well brother, what did you think of my first sermon here?" The little old man replied, "Well Sir, I ain't no preacher, I'm just a little old farmer, but if I had a truck load of hay and I went to the pasture and only one cow showed up, I wouldn't dump the whole load on her!" One day a little girl went up to her mother and said, "Mommy I have a tummy ache!" Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty dear, you have to put something into it." Later that night when they had the pastor over for dinner he said, "I have a headache!" The little girl smiled and replied, That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" One Easter, a family (Mom, Dad, boy age 9) that seldom went to church, decided to go. After church the Mom said, "I thought the choir was a little off key." Then the Dad said, "Well, the preacher's message was bland, too." Whereupon the boy said, "I thought they put on a good show for the nickle you put in the collection plate." One Sunday after the usual sermon, the pastor asked everyone in the congregation to prepare for next week's sermon. He said the subject would be lying and that everyone needed to read the 17th chapter in the book of Mark. Everyone uttered a sound of approval. Next week after the congregational singing the preacher said, "If you read Mark 17 please raise your hand." And everyone in the congregation did. Then the preacher said, "Now I am ready to start my sermon on lying" And he stated "There is no Mark 17!!" Remember to read your Bible and to never lie to the preacher! God Bless!
Graphics, Design
& Hosting by Web4Christ Ministries Home | Webzine | Archives |
Resources Author: Iona Hoeppner |
Living Will
