Moral Decision Making
By Bryan Lindberg, LMFT, CAC

Hello, my name is Bryan; I am a recovering parent with low parent esteem.

My wife and I have this reoccurring discussion about parenting. The jist of the conversation is, “Are we screwing up these kids?” Usually this conversation repeats with each mini-crisis, like a melt down in Wal-Mart.

Every parent wonders what kind of job they are doing. I am aware of the unspoken rule of parenting, “I’m O.K., as long as my kid doesn‘t make me look bad.” This universal rule of parenting, if my kid is good then I’m good, is flawed. If my children can get through the check-out without getting 86ed from the store, then I have succeeded. Children will be children, and they should be children, not miniature adults.

A variation of the rule says, if my kid is better than the others, then at least I’m not that bad, is also flawed. If our measurement as parents is based on our children’s behavior then we are setting ourselves up for perpetual doubt, my children are on a developmental roller-coaster.

I thought this rule was good for the first ten or so years, but I have discovered that some parents think this is the “Golden Rule” of parenting.” At 42, I have even caught my parents using this rule on my brothers and I, “Will, you turned out O.K.” I think this self doubt and need for reassurance causes us to compare our children’s behavior. I think I may start a 12-Step group for low parent esteem.

Lawrence Kohlberg was a psychologist at Harvard who was aware of the obvious; people often come to similar decisions for very different reasons. Some people do good to avoid punishment, and others are motivated by reward. Some are selfish, some conform to peer pressure, others think of what is best for their community and society. Some we have no idea what is going on inside their little head.

Kohlberg noted age-related developmental patterns that coincided with moral reasoning skill. He described three levels, each with two stages. Moral reasoning develops as our children develop. Our children are certainly different creatures and do not fit into a stage; they more likely skip between different stages. However, a dominate stage is typically apparent.

LEVEL I - The pre-conventional level

Stage 1 - Obedience - Whatever is rewarded is good; whatever is punished is bad.

This stage could be thought of as the pre-school stage. Spanking at this stage is most effective in teaching what is good and bad, however, it is not effective in imparting strong moral reasoning skills. That is why spanking looses its effectiveness in school age children that have not learned proper decision making. They know what is right or wrong but do not know why or how to behave.

Stage 2 - Instrumental egoism and simple exchange - I'll do something good for you if you do something good for me. Fairness means treating everyone the same.

This stage could be thought of as the school age stage. This is the stage that children learn the reciprocal value of behavior. If I am good, you are good, I share then you share. Children also learn that if I am good and you are bad, I don’t want to play with you. Children begin to pick up on the pattern and behavior of good and bad. Decisions of good and bad are no longer restricted to the fear of punishment or the motivation of a reward.

LEVEL II - The conventional level

Stage 3 - Personal concordance - Good is conformity to a stereotype of "good" people, or to peer approval

This is a stage of adolescence which can extend to the 20s’. In this stage, it feels better to be in a “good” crowd. Members are treated fairly, and there is a sense of mutual concern and respect for the group. This is the beginning of an understanding of connection to others as a part of the whole. This is the point that attachment is most important.

Stage 4 - Law, and duty to the social order - Good is defined by the laws of society, by doing one's duty. A law should be obeyed even if it's not fair.

This stage could be thought in terms of adulthood. At this stage there is an understanding of the responsibility of being part of a community. Behavior is more than action based on reward and punishment, there is a conscious awareness of belonging. This awareness of excepted rules brings on a willingness to play by the rules so you can be a part of the community.

LEVEL III - The post-conventional (principled) level

Stage 5 - Societal consensus - Good is understood in terms of abstract principles that the society has agreed upon. An unfair law ought to be changed.

This stage could be thought of in terms of mid-life. At this stage there is an opening of understanding of behavior that extends beyond a personal definition. There now exists an understanding that good is to be championed and bad is to be defeated.

Stage 6 - Universal ethical principles- Good is understood in terms of abstract principles whether or not societies agree with them. An emphasis is put on human rights.

In this stage the feelings of stage five are expanded beyond the community and encompass global concerns.

Everyone starts at the beginning and progress stage by stage toward deeper understanding of the reason they make certain decisions. The next stage of reasoning is understandable, and exposure to that next higher stage encourages progression. Most people stop their moral maturity around stages three and four, we follow the law and we conform to excepted behavior.

We teach our children that it is good to meet the behavioral expectations of your community. It is good to be loyal to your community. We are good people because it is to our advantage to be good.

In our house punishment is used to help our children choose acceptable behavior until they become aware of better reasons for being good. We do our best to avoid associating punishment with being bad. Right from the start we learn from our parents what is good and bad.

As a parent I am concerned with the job I am doing. I want my children to know more then good and bad in forming decisions.

As our children become more aware of the way things are done, then they realize that it is better to get a reward than a punishment. They share toys because their friends will share toys in return. Other people are evaluated by what they can get out of them. Fairness means equal treatment regardless of they are siblings or parents. They get upset if someone else has more ice cream or stays up later than they do.

As children grow, they learn that it is in their self-interest to be less selfish, you attract more bees with honey. They transition into stage three thinking begins in early teens and could last until the late 20s’. At this stage the concern of the group is a priority. As our children grow into adults, so does their network of social interactions. They interact with people they work with, people who live in the neighborhood, people in the same church, people in similar business situations, people with similar hobbies, sports, entertainment. They now define themselves as part of a community not just a group.

Social norms and laws now become the framework of moral reasoning. Laws provide a basis for getting along with people we do not know and may not like. Right and wrong are defined by the law, and stage four is the point of doing your duty to respect authority and maintain the social order. People remain in this stage or transition to stage five anywhere from their 40s’ to 60s’.

Maturity brings about broader reasoning that morals have validity that is not dependent on the consensus of select groups. Stage five people often try to work within the legal system to change laws they feel are immoral. The separation between Stage five and six is the willingness to disobey the law because the universal principle matters more than the self.

Keep in mind that a stage is only a guide and not a rigid structure. Each stage represents the general theme of a person’s moral reasoning.

When I watch my children play, I see the job I am doing. I hear and see them relating to people and establishing friendships. If the morals and values of my wife and I are apparent, then our children will pick them up from us. I embrace the spirit of each of my children and marvel at their individual decision making. I will be there as my children tackle life and will gauge my success not based on what they do for me but what they do for others.

BIO:
Bryan Lindberg is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. He lives with wife Tori and children Bryanna, 10, Elijah, 7, and Day, 4 in the Blue Ridge mountains of SW Virginia. You may contact him at MFTC@wiredog.com

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