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Mountain Out of a Molehill UNFORESEEN TROUBLE They start out so innocent and small, but they grow. As a mother of four, it has been a long, tear filled, hair pulling experience to bring my three daughters through toddlerhood. A fact I am very much reminded of as my youngest nears his second birthday. There are dozens of books you can read, endless amounts of advice you can receive, and any number of experts to consult, but nothing seams to prepare you for that moment when your sweet loving angel looks you square in the eye and says "NO!" for the first time. How can something so small and peaceful as a baby turn into such a whirlwind of trouble. They seem to have disaster in their wake, and every request becomes a golden opportunity to challenge your authority. What a job! THERE IS HOPE Well, I have learned a few things since I was drug through the trials of toddlerhood for the first time. And this time my hair is a lot shorter too. Our Father did not forget the parents of preschoolers when He composed the Bible, and contrary to popular belief, babies really do come with an instruction book. It has been a long and often painful process to learn what the Bible teaches about child rearing, but it has also been a blessing, one I would love to share with you. MEAN WHAT YOU SAY One of the many characteristics of our Heavenly Father is that He is unchanging. This applies to parenting in a huge way. I learned this lesson at the school of hard knocks. When my youngest was about 15 months old, I gave birth to twins. They were premature, and had many health problems. When they were finally allowed to come home from the hospital they received all of the attention. Well-meaning friends would ask about the twins and lavish them with attention and gifts, and would ask about Kaylah as an afterthought. People who weren't close to the family would ignore her completely. I felt sorry for Kaylah and began to allow her 'special' privileges, letting her do things that I used to consider inappropriate, and allowing her to have her way when she was cute enough, or whined enough. It wasn't long before she realized that she could manipulate others the same way, and I had a full blown brat on my hands. Children need consistency more than almost anything else. They need to know that your yes is yes and your no is definitely no. If they learn that they can change the answer by crying or begging, then they will assume that the reason your no hasn't changed to yes is because they haven't screamed long enough. This can turn into quite a problem if you disagree in public or at a relatives home. When I realized the error of my ways it was an uphill fight. At first my daughter would scream herself to exhaustion, falling asleep before she would believe I meant no. Often we had to confine her to a crib because she would kick and scream and fight so much I could not control her. What a nightmare I had created, and all to show my sympathy for her. After a while she realized that I meant what I said and things got a lot easier, and I learned a lesson I will not soon forget! WHOSE IN CHARGE? This is a question every toddler will ask. They begin to realize that they are separate from their parents, and that they can choose to comply or resist the requests made of them. It is imperative that you let them know early and decisively that you are in charge. This does not mean that you have to be a harsh domineering parent, but neither can you allow them to defy you without consequences. I always find it hard not to laugh when they stamp their little feet or stick out their lip and say humph! I remember the time I had asked my daughter to stop spilling her juice (we had tupperware cups with lids, and it was great fun to turn it upside down and shake the contents out, creating a miniature rain shower of fun) and she looked me right in the eye, took off the lid, and poured it in her lap. The only thing I could do was cover my mouth so she wouldn't see me smile while I tried to scold her. It's vital that we teach our children to respect our authority while they are young, or the years to come will spiral out of control. The important thing to remember is that not every misbehavior is defiance and therefore a challenge of your authority. Many mishaps are simply the result of childish curiosity or lack of self control. These should be dealt with in a gentle patient manner. What I am concerned about are the moments when they say 'I know what you want, and I'm not going to comply' by their actions or words. That is when you must let them know who is boss, and one way is with an appropriate spanking. I feel that there is no better way to handle willful defiance then to quickly remind them that not obeying you can be painful. Spankings should be given only to the 'meaty' area of the upper thigh (when a diaper makes spanking the actual bottom unproductive) or to the bottom. You should never spank when you are angry, and I believe that you should only use your hand to administer the spank. It is impossible to spank a child hard enough to hurt them (beyond the sting of the spank) without it hurting the hand of the person spanking, anything else cannot feel the force of the blow, and can be dangerous. One swift swat is plenty. There is no cause for a half dozen swats, you will have their attention with the first one. If you convince your child that you are in charge, they will be healthy and will feel more secure. Nothing is scarier than having command when you don't know the rules. Children don't want to be in control, they want the security of knowing that Mommy and Daddy are taking care of everything. We relate the same way to God. We are constantly given opportunities to challenge His authority, by taking matters into our own hands, or by giving in to temptation. I think I may have even had a swat or two! Obviously spanking isn't the only way to deal with defiance, but for our family the alternatives just weren't effective at that age. Time-out made them feel rejected but they didn't know why; explaining that sometimes there would be no time to explain why they needed to obey (a car is coming and Johnny runs into the street) was over their head; and sometimes there was no toy to take away or privilege to withhold. However you deal with defiance, don't let them win those first vital battles, if you do, you may have a tough time teaching your child to respect authority, and that is one of the pillars of a strong walk with God - acknowledging and submitting to His authority. NEW FOUND FEET I used to think that childproofing your home beyond locking up dangerous chemicals was senseless. Far better to teach them that certain things were off limits and enforce the no-touch rule, or so I thought. Well, my idea worked pretty well when I only had one toddler. I followed her around and gently reminded her "no touch, honey" and she learned to admire with her eyes and not her hands. This required a tremendous amount of attention, attention I had time to give until the twins were born. It is very much harder to follow three little girls around, especially after they learned the art of 'divide and conquer.' There is much to be said for packing up those beautiful knick-knacks until the children are older. If not you can have quite a disaster on your hands. I once had one child in my bedroom pouring baby powder and shampoo onto my new bedspread while another was in the bathroom allowing various things to experience the joy of flushing while I was wiping the butter off the hands of the third one, and the wall behind her. Can I tell you that was not one of my best days? NAP TIME This is a big one. Why on earth did God take the seventh day off, establish the Year of Jubilee and make provisions for the land to go unplanted every seventh year? He understands the importance of rest. Whether your child takes one long nap in the afternoon or two short naps during the day, it is important that they do nap. Research shows that children who take naps have longer attention spans and sleep better at night. But the one who really needs that nap is you! It is always good to have a little bit of quiet time when you can let your guard down and relax, but with toddlers, it's essential. From the moment your child wakes up you must monitor him. The endless noise and constant chasing that little bundle of energy around would wear out an olympic sprinter! Taking a break can help you gain a fresh perspective when you are ready to pull your hair out too. Establish a routine. This makes nap time easier since it comes at the same time every day. Remember that your toddler can't tell time, so have several events in an established routine to let her know that nap time (or bedtime) is approaching. YOU'RE NOT AN ISLAND The hardest battle I faced during my first years of parenting was the feeling of isolation I had. When I got married, my single friends sort of disappeared. My husband and I made new friends with other young couples, but when our first baby was born, most of them disappeared too. It is much harder to get together when you have to bring the baby along every time, and since we didn't have a lot of money, a sitter just wasn't an option most of the time. My husband went back to school the same year my twins turned one. We moved across the country and I had no friends or family in the little Vermont town we lived in. And in Vermont it snows. A lot. Needless to say, I felt very isolated and alone. I had three daughters in toddlerhood, and I was trapped in our home 24 hours a day for 9 months. And with the demands of his classes my husband wasn't much help either. It was a nightmare. God never intended us to walk alone however, and He did not forget about me. He won't forget you either. There are many wonderful sources of support out there for parents of young children. I encourage you to get involved in a MOPS (Mothers Of PreSchoolers) group if their is one in your area. If not, consider starting one of your own. If your church doesn't have a active children's ministry, I suggest you find one that does. Talk to God and tell Him how much this blessing He gave you is driving you nuts! He'll understand. (Think of what we put Him through!) Pray, and ask God to send a mentor into your life. Even if money is tight, set aside enough money in your budget to hire an occasional baby-sitter. It is a necessity, not a luxury. If someone says "Is there anything I can do to help?" Say "Yes, could you look after Suzy while I run to the grocery store tomorrow?" I got my quiet time in Albertson's more than once. Dr. James Dobson has written several wonderful books on the subject of raising toddlers including "Parenting the Strong Willed Child" and "Parenting Isn't for Cowards". You can also obtain a cassette entitled "Surviving Toddler hood" from his organization Focus on the Family by calling 1-800-A-Family. Or you could visit their web site at http://www.family.org . We need articles, poetry and
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