Summer, 2000

Tators
Submitted by Viola Gilbert

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are content to watch while others do. They are called "Speck Tators."

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do things. They're called "Comment Tators."

Some are always looking to cause problems and really get under your skin. They are called "Aggie Tators."

There are those who are always saying they will, but somehow, they never get around to doing. We call them "Hezzie Tators."

Some people put on a front and act like someone else. They're called "Emma Tators."

There are those who ruin whole countries with unreasonable power. They are "Dick Tators."

Then, there are those who walk what they talk. They're always prepared to stop what they're doing to lend a hand to others and bring real sunshine into the lives of others. You can call them "Sweet Tators."

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Submitted by Viola Gilbert

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. If someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability

SADDAM HUSSAIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book, and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I DID NOT cross the road with THAT
chicken.

Oiled
Submitted by Carol Skipper of Apron Strings devotionals

A faithful couple got the bad news from their doctor. They couldn't have any children. On the way home from the Doctor they were led to drop by to see their pastor to ask for prayer.

The Pastor ran an auto repair shop on the side, so they dropped by the shop. After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to pray for them on the spot. He looked around, grabbed a can of three-in-one oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them.

Sure enough about 9 months later they had triplets. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug.

"What was that all about"? He asked.

She replied "I'm just glad you used three-in-one oil and not WD-40.

Telemarketer Defense
Submitted by Crystal Owings

(#12 makes a great point, and #17 would have to scare them or at least slow them down!)

Keep this by your phone for telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just soiled the carpet..."

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my Goodness! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where in the world she could know you from.

6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "AAAAGGGHHH!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.

13.Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14.Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could come over for a visit.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm recording this for radio broadcast."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon,how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...

20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

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