Summer, 2000

Helping Your Child Cope with Divorce

One of the most troubling issues faced by divorced parents and step-parents is the tendency for one or both natural parents to use the child as a weapon or a way to bolster their own self esteem as a parent by belittling the other parent to the child.

Visitation disputes are almost universal, but these are merely the tip of the iceberg. Here's an excerpt from a letter we received...

"Every chance they get, they tell my step-son how bad of a person his daddy is. This weekend he came home and his mom and grandmother told him (my step-son) that he needed to start praying to God that soon they could have custody of him again. He's seven now and he's starting to ask allot of questions about the divorce and why his mom and dad aren't together anymore, and his mom's side of the family is always making him feel guilty because they don't have custody. "

Such manipulation is surely the most damaging aspect of parental jealousy, yet is a highly common practice, even among otherwise responsible, caring parents. This is child abuse!

Protecting the Child vs. Defending Yourself
Godly parents and step-parents must rely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit to combat the natural tendency to defend their positions using the same tactics as the abusing parents. Instead, reassure the child that your love is unconditional and that you understand the pain he or she is feeling. Depending on the child's age, you can answer questions about the divorce within the scope of the child's understanding, but finger pointing is out!

Be sure to listen when your child talks of his visits or his "other family." Let the child tell the good and bad stories and show you care and understand. Never point out that her affection for the other parent is misplaced, nor degrade your ex-spouse in any way.

If your child sees you speak with respect to and about the other parent, it will become quite obvious, even to a young child, that you are acting in a reasonable and kind manner. This won't solve the problem entirely, but in time, your child will realize that you are someone she can trust with her feelings and that the manipulations of the other parent are just that, manipulation. Children see and know so much more than we give them credit for, and few are duped for very long.

Take the Offense
Rather than be confrontational with your ex, for your child will certainly feel guilt about that, take an offensive stand on your knees in prayer. Ask others to pray as well. You need not give them all the details (they may get back to your child) simply ask them to pray for the situation and ask God's protection for your child.

You may also want to pray with your child for God to bless your ex and his or her whole family. Like it or not, these are important people to your child, and it is almost certain that deep down he feels a need to bring about peace and reconciliation. Interestingly, a vast majority of children feel they are to blame for their parents' divorce. Praying with your child in such a way will help relieve that false guilt.

Unexpected Reward
This isn't an easy stance to take in such an emotionally charged situation, but occasionally parents who have made the effort to be cordial to their child's other parent have seen a remarkable thing happen... The parental tug 0' war fades to a dim memory and both natural parents begin putting the child first, not just verbally but in a tangible way.

Step-Parents' Roles
Your best and most important role is to support your spouse and the child. Leave discussions with the ex to your mate and refuse to be drawn into any form of competition with the ex-spouse. That is not what this is about. It's simply not about you, not at all, it's about the child.

Does Heaven Have a Phone Number?
By Chelsea Brown

Mommy went to Heaven,
but I need her here today,
My tummy hurts and I fell down,
I need her right away,
Operator can you tell me how
to find her in this book?
Is heaven in the yellow part,
I don't know where to look.
I think my daddy needs her too,
at night I hear him cry.
I hear him call her name sometimes,
but I really don't know why.
Maybe if I call her,
she will hurry home to me.
Is Heaven very far away,
is it across the sea?
She's been gone a long, long time
she needs to come home now!
I really need to reach her,
but I simply don't know how.
Help me find the number please,
is it listed under "Heaven"?
I can't read these big big words,
I am only seven.
I'm sorry operator,
I didn't mean to make you cry,
Is your tummy hurting too,
or is there something in your eye?
If I call my church maybe they will know.
Mommy said when we need help that's
where we should go.
I found the number to my church
tacked up on the wall.
Thank you operator,
I'll give them a call.

Mother's Hands
Submitted by Sandy Uhler

Night after night, she came to tuck me in, even long after my childhood years. Following her longstanding custom, she'd lean down and push my long hair out of the way, then kiss my forehead.

I don't remember when it first started annoying me -- her hands pushing my hair that way. But it did annoy me, for they felt work-worn and rough against my young skin.

Finally, one night, I lashed out at her: "Don't do that anymore -- your hands are too rough!" She didn't say anything in reply. But never again did
my mother close out my day with that familiar expression of her love. Lying awake long afterward, my words haunted me. But pride stifled my conscience, and I didn't tell her I was sorry.

Time after time, with the passing years, my thoughts returned to that night. By then I missed my mother's hands, missed her goodnight kiss upon my forehead. Sometimes the incident seemed very close, sometimes far away. But always it lurked, hauntingly, in the back of my mind.

Well, the years have passed, and I'm not a little girl anymore. Mom is in her mid- seventies, and those hands I once thought to be so rough are still doing things for me and my family. She's been our doctor, reaching into a medicine cabinet for the remedy to calm a young girl's stomach or soothe a boy's scraped knee. She cooks the best fried chicken in the world...gets stains out of blue jeans like I never could...and still insists on dishing out ice cream at any hour of the day or night.

Through the years, my mother's hands have put in countless hours of toil, and most of hers were before perma-pressed fabrics and automatic washers!

Now, my own children are grown and gone. Mom no longer has Dad, and on special occasions, I find myself drawn next door to spend the night with her. So it was that late on Thanksgiving Eve, as I drifted into sleep in the bedroom of my youth, a familiar hand hesitantly stole across my face to brush the hair from my forehead. Then a kiss, ever so gently, touched my brow.

In my memory, for the thousandth time, I recalled the night my surly young voice complained: "Don't do that anymore -- your hands are too rough!" I reacted involuntarily. Catching Mom's hand in mine, I blurted out how sorry I was for that night. I thought she'd remember, as I did.

But Mom didn't know what I was talking about. She had forgotten -- and forgiven -- long ago.

That night, I fell asleep with a new appreciation for my gentle mother and her caring hands. And the guilt I had carried around for so long was nowhere to be found.

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