Handmaidens - Comedy

Summer, 2001
Handmaidens

Comedy!

Topics

Morning Coffee Submitted by Viola Gilbert

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

Cover Page
Christian
Comedy
Education
Essays, etc.
Health
Home
Letters
Marriage
Parenting
Poetry/Art
Stewardship
Sites to See
Work
Extra

Ask a Ranger

Summer is here and many of you will be off to visit national parks. Below is a handy list of questions actually asked by park visitors. Feel free to brighten some park ranger's day by asking then yourself.

Questions Asked at National Parks

*Everglades National Park:*
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

*Mesa Verde National Park:*
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

*Carlsbad Caverns National Park:*
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?

*Yosemite National Park:*
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

*Denali National Park:*
What time do you feed the bears?
What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

*Yellowstone National Park:*
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

Instructions for (and by) the Ignorant

On a hairdryer instructions:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap, it says,
Directions: Use like regular soap.

I have a frozen dinner at home that says:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not Iron clothes on body

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands

ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

Definitions
Submitted by Crystal Owings

Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law!
Experience: What you get when you don't get what you want.
Anxiety: Nature's way of getting you up mornings.
Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.
Alarm Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.
Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".
A conclusion is where somebody got tired of thinking.
Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.
Oxymoron: One who does not know how to use pimple medication.
Chocolate: the other major food group.
Capitalism: Man exploiting man. Socialism: The reverse.
Canadians: The *other* Americans.
Cheating: Playing by the rules they teach in business school.
Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.
`Normal' is a setting on a washing machine..
Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.
Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
Childish game: One at which you cannot beat your spouse.
Language: A dialect with an army and navy.
Pizza *is* the four food groups.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
Feudalism: When it's your Count that votes.
Bore: One who, upon being asked how they are, tells you.
Cynic: Someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket.
Answer: What everybody is still looking for.
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Fine: Tax for doing wrong. Tax: Fine for doing fine.
Witlag: The delay between delivery and comprehension of a joke.
Skier: Someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them.
A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Anarchy: Such a good idea, it should be the law.
Dogmatism: Puppyism come to full growth.
Dime: A dollar after taxes.
A professor is someone who talks in somebody else's sleep.
Work is the slow, dragging fingernail on the blackboard of life.

Graphics, Design & Hosting by Web4Christ Ministries